ft. Lost Files + Releasing Wounded Consciousness
Am I a cam girl fraud when I haven’t had a real cock in my throat since November, 2022? I’ve finally made it onto Chaturbate, but it feels like I’m living the wrong life, separated from the man I long for most.
My hormones are currently screaming to be stuffed. I just want my pussy pumped with his thick brick dick, while I feel his hand on my neck, or jaw. His voice, and eyes… my eyes. Our eyes…my memory is blurring.
I get tickled at the thought of pleasure sometimes, but then my eyes instantly water up when I realize I’m beginning to forget the sound of his voice. My hand palms sting with nerves, my chest ache is now flaring instead, as the fleeting horny energy is now pushed away by grief as silent tears fall down my face.
Does he ever remember my existence, and crave me? I’m haunted.
Unfortunately, you can’t repeatedly disappoint a man and expect his energy to still crave you…
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So, when’s the last time I wrote/vented in this smutty silly secret dirty diary? Let’s catch up. Seems like last blog post is dated October 1st 2020
- LITTLE DID I KNOW that three years ago, Autumn of 2020, was some of the luckiest laid-back time of my whole life to date.
I had good job karma, perhaps; from being 19 and innocently serving tables at the local abusive overnight diner. I had a stint of decent money, at first, but I made a scene quitting in the middle of my 4am shift. I was thinking I was “starting my new life over” with new temporary work for American Cruise Lines.
When I got kicked off the cruise two weeks in, after being girl-voted the “weakest link shipmate in the dressing room,” I accidentally responded to the diner’s reoccurring Craigslist job ad after returning home.
They knew I was good at my job, and the turnover rate was high, but they took me for granted, abused my hours, and treated me like absolute garbage… management told me that had to “earn respect.”
(It’s okay thou, because I was meant to quit again for real, for real, and find the strip club of course.) I lasted 5 months or so, before leaving the diner forever. More life story details here.
^When you get back to a job you need, and they mistreat you, it’s only a matter of time before a job comes along and worships your energy and presence when coming back to work for them, right?
This admirative assistant job was the golden payback. This 2020 era was a 5-month ‘positive reprise’ of an easy desk job.
I was so incredibly blessed looking back at then, despite silently screaming for my soulmate to come get me.
In 2020, I was an admirative assistant to a mobile mechanic, Greg, a man gone stock lucky. This craigslist gig ad found me the autumn of 2018. I had a solid year and a half run of working from home. When I lost my job in the “March shutdown of 2020” my work from home relaxing was done.
There were no more mobile appointments to set up during the shutdown. The business was shot, but my boss had hit a wild stock trade that earned him $40,000. A ‘grand slam/home run’ in daytrading world.
- June that year, Greg leased an actual garage space with these earnings, and in July he invited me to be the front desk girl in the corner of his small engine repair shop.
I left this position forever December 2020 to start serving society as an Instacart shopper. I started the week of Thanksgiving, that year, and it was clear to me that smart shopping was my ‘pandemic calling’ as Greg burnt thru all his lucky stock money playing with lawnmowers high.
Anyways, Greg was/is a married father was two, who enjoyed cannabis edibles and Door Dashing lunch stoned 4 out of 5 workdays. We had a “don’t ask, don’t tell” unspoken policy. We were never open about taking secret edibles, but it was obvious how high we always were.
He had some kind of local secret source, and I had legal 5mg microdose candies from Massachusetts.
Not really a microdose if you pop 1.5 or 2 candies on the regular, before noon, thou. These stupid sh1ts became legal in 2019, and I needed some time to goof off with them, before swearing them away forever.
RobinHood and Webull apps were sober excitement 8am-10am, but after the AM day trading it was always time to kick back, and pretend to be busy with dusty ass, old ass, lawn equipment while cannabis digested within the body.
I got under the table untaxed hourly pay, and I was wasting my life; but all I had to do was look cute and sit back. “Easy Money.”
I should have been home, starting my own cam girl schedule all those weekday mornings instead of getting high and doing absolutely nothing. Greg was taking out business loans to keep his freedom alive, and I was paid to just exist.
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Greg knew I was an aspiring full-time cam girl and it led to some X rated conversation of course. He was married, so we never fucked, but he fantasized about it.
I pretended to find success with Chaturbate that spring of 2020 while he left me suddenly unemployed with no rights to unemployment. “Fake it till you make it”, I figured.
I was open about missing C.J.’s big dick, and how Chaturbate alone isn’t ideal for me, but that only made Greg jealous.
Cannabis edibles make a man’s dick brick with the right conversation, but Mr. bossman wasn’t genetically favored. Greg was small and not worth touching in my opinion.
- Thursday, October 1st, 10 days before my last blog post entry I got a spicy text from C.J. that said otherwise.
Now, what’s funny about this silly statement is I’ve already had enough small dick to last a lifetime. There was no pleasure to be had with my boss, Greg. I wasn’t interested.
Once you have terrible sex, you don’t really desire anything accept the best.
A briefly dated a wealthy man in 2017, Francis, he offered me the world. He found me in the strip club, but he was very attractive. He had an accent, and treated me well, but unfortunately after our third date I discovered he had a micro penis. An actual medical condition.
I tried putting my hand around him for our first blowjob, and it disappeared in my fist. It was smaller than the three-inch span of my hand width. I immediately faked stomach cramps and went home. I didn’t even sniff his dick. It didn’t touch any of my holes.
C.J., let me know he had found a local girl to have sex with. I think his spicy text was just his way of asking for fuckbuddy justification with the temporary playmate.
Looking back on it, it was exciting to have C.J. encourage me while he ventured elsewhere; he was including me how he could with our distance, and lowkey if my boss had a big dick perhaps I would have had to obey those spicy wishes.
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Greg now works for a steel factory, had another kid, and that moment in time is all just a memory of past life living…
After two full years of Instacart shopping and inconsistent stream attempts, after leaving Greg’s easy-street-under-the-table life, it was time to start over on Chaturbate. ONE MORE TIME, stay my own boss, December of 2022.
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”– Albert Einstein
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I sure make insanity look fucking beautiful.
Quick recap of prior Chaturbate attempts:
Leaving the strip club in 2018 as ‘Valentina’, I took my stripper persona to Chaturbate for the first time as ‘BabydollValentinaXO.’ My old laptop wasn’t built for streaming however. I ended up only watching cams instead of broadcasting. I was immediately drawn to couple cams, watching real sex within real relationships.
2019 I scammed my way into a new laptop, feeling inspired after watching the movie “Hustlers” starring Jennifer Lopez. However, that’s a whole story of its own, and the laptop couldn’t stay connected to a livestream once I plugged into a power source.
It was “cursed”, and from eBay. IT support was of no help, and I settled using the laptop as a typewriter here.
2021, I was ready to start over as ‘Coraline‘-“all grown up”. Early in the year, Greg bribed me to come back to the mechanic shop. He was missing my sexy energy, and pretty face. He took out some PPE C0vid19 loans, and so I got my hands on an iPhone 12 of his, while respectfully declining his advances.
I start over again with a second Chaturbate account. ‘Holeheartnsoul’ was my username. I now use my old room for more lowkey anonymous tipping/chatting or spying.
This didn’t last long thou as the phone somehow wouldn’t hold a stream. I was defeated yet again. Just like the laptop I hadn’t kept ‘my end of deal’ talking my way out of anything sexual, after a half-naked handsy ‘goodbye lap dance’, so perhaps it was cursed.,, AppleCare was of no help, and they suggested it was my “internet source.”
I didn’t have a data plan on the phone, so a year later, in March of 2022, I traded the 12 for a NEW 13 Pro Max. I signed up for a secret second phone plan, and was convinced that this second cellphone would do the job. I changed my name to ‘Hazel Grace’ too, after realizing how inappropriate Coraline was and hoped for the best.
Surprise: The new phone refused to hold my frames per second. and glitched out after 20/30 minutes of livestreaming. Meanwhile another performer was getting farther into the industry as “the real miss Hazel Grace” So now, I, newly Hazel Mae, quietly quit and abandoned hope while continuing to Instacart baked full-time.
8 months later, November of 2022, I reached my wits end with grocery deliveries. After a family member had passed away some time ago, and several months stuck in probate court, I had myself a small inherence promised by a lawyer for a settlement that was hitting the last week of December 2022.
I got a 30-day advance from another family member that November for a real desktop PC setup AND took out one last credit card for video tech help to hold me over the holidays. Best Buy approved me for $2,000 which was double all my other maxxed out cards from the last few years.
The Nikon Z30 was looking pretty, and advertised as a “good starter camera for making videos or streaming.” I finally made ONE MORE account on Chaturbate to start over with.
I just wanted to be me finally. Even just for a moment. Be Mae. MomentswithMae. Third time is a charm. “Give Mae liberty or give Mae death.”
Surprise again: The Nikon overheats after 30 minutes, even with an XL memory card, and dummy plug in battery.
How is this even possible?! Why was I being barred from what I wanted most after years of fighting for it?
Was my third and final CB account already shot before it began?
At the same time with this going on I received disturbing mail.
Scroll to the bottom of my About Mae bio and you’ll find the article links that sent me into a tizzy. Past information coming to light crushed me. It will also explain what happened in life December to April.
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April 1st, 2023, with the spirit of April Fools Day, I walked into a shoreline restaurant to start serving tables again. I was hired the week prior on the spot, but tormented at the thought of wasting all online opportunity.
That same morning I hopped onto Chaturbate with my newest webcam replacement(s) and I asked my random viewers of the day “Should I really go thru with this?”
I had only a few hundred followers as my “new tag” promotional streaming never happened with the first seven days of my account.
I walked out the back kitchen restaurant door later that day, and texted my almost boss that I had changed my mind. I asked God for a sign that morning “If Chaturbate will take off in 2023” and I got the message I was looking for on a car wrap parked across the street from my place. It was an advertisement for a mobile “stay at home service.”
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Camming consistently April thru July, I was finally in the game, but I hadn’t seen “good money yet.” I didn’t have a streaming partner or an OnlyFans, and I felt stagnant. Inheritance was just about gone, and that Best Buy credit card was maxxed.
If you read my About Mae bio you’ll see my ex-boyfriend’s mother was/is close to me. She keeps up with me like a biological mother does. She randomly became paralyzed thou, in her mid 60s, the autumn of 2022.
I started caregiving with her on a weekly basis Spring of 2022 after a spinal surgery, and she helped me pay my bills while inherence and Chaturbate dream was still out of reach.
By September 2023, over a year later, she asked me to live with her again.
February 2014, I moved out of my ex-boyfriend’s family house to be on my own, and explore freedom. I waited for the love the of my life to accept me and build a life with me together. I wait for a chance to get to know each other on a deeper level, and now my keyboard is too blurry to see thru the tears as I tell you that 10 years later- this never happened.
How could I just move back in thou, nearly a decade later, and quit on my sexual freedom dream thou?
To leave the strip club in 2018 and fail out of sex-work was pretty embarrassing. However, as a girl who never did extras, couldn’t do pole tricks, and chose to walk away from drinks/drugs it was freeing. I had burning hope ahead of me of being reunited with love, and making personal sex tapes that would sexually liberate me inside and out for 2023.
Chaturbate with a partner was the most exciting hope I had for my own future in sex work- I didn’t need/want the club anymore.
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It’s now the middle of September, 2023: I have no rent for October, and it is time to perhaps quit everything against my will. However, one morning on Chaturbate, everything was suddenly different.
‘Layla Jupiter’ was a new creator on Chaturbate that caught my eye in July, on the front page of the website with her promotional new tag . Here she is again, under my “following tab” and I notice she’s online after being offline for 3 months.
I notice in her room thumbnail she is rocking another NEW tag…
A ‘New Tag’ pushes your room to the top of the pages for your first 7 days. How did she get another one? I emailed Chaturbate support as quick as I could, asking where the loophole was, and if I could also be considered for such an opportunity. Their response below:
THIS WAS A TOTAL SHOCK AND GAME CHANGER. MY SECOND CHANCE FINALLY HERE.
Good things come to those who wait, right?!
First few days into the new tag I saw a steady increase on viewers, and followers, but no tokens.
On the 4th day of New Tag life, my girlie cycle was due. I woke up extremely early nervous that my front page pussy promo was now to be cut short. I cried while starting up my computer that day wishing I could tell C.J. everything happening for me finally.
I haven’t felt joy since early June, when I thought we were getting together in Pennsylvania. This email from Chaturbate sparked my hope/joy alive for a good future, but I still couldn’t reach out. I knew he didn’t want to hear about “maybe” success. He wanted to see it already done.
When I showered, dolled up, and rebooted around 8am I was asked to go private cam by 8:30am
Private cam is 90 tokens a minute, and “squirtlelover” was tipping many tokens for extended toy control. He kept me in private till 10am, and after a furious squirt orgasm, we parted ways. My 3,000 tokens (which usually stayed between 1-5K during a two week pay period) was suddenly at 15,000.
I had made around $600 USD for my first long private show.
The next day he came back, and the next day… My New Tag now expired, but low and behold I have over 50,000 tokens. Over $2000 USD
Rent was paid. The car note was paid. The possible upcoming trip to Exxxotica, NJ?! PAID.
I FINALLY got the payday I was chasing for years. The joy of keeping my apartment freedom feels amazing.
It’s time to celebrate. After labor day beaches are “closed,” and that’s my favorite time to chase waves. Waterproof earplugs. Scuba wetsuit. Big smile on my face. Late summer ocean float, here I come.
Thank you God.
