Hello 2024 viewers-
To Whom It May Concern:
I recognize that ‘Dominance and Submission’ are sensitive topics.
Any articles written here and visible with a ‘dominance’ tag are for like-minded readers only(!)
Viewer discretion advised.
I in no way support domestic violence or abuse- towards anybody.
Any sex you read about on holeheartandsoul.com was/is consensual, and/or only imagined.
Rough sex and, control vs no control, are simply fetish -after many past years of being celibate outside of Pennsylvania visitation.
C.J has never abused me. He just opened my world to chemistry I never felt before. Meeting him at 21, yet with the mind of an 18 year old, I was just swept away by his everything; and this kind of sensation will never grow old over time. It will always feel so wild to me.
“True chemistry is touching my mind and it setting my body on fire.“
There are many factors and levels to ‘dominance and submission’, and it’s my understanding that when you meet your “soul suit,” there’s no other lover that could possibly compare…
I get literal jolts of static thru the palms of my hands, before and after, my clit throbs at the thought of C.J’s ‘complicated self-buried desire’ for me.
^However, as quick as it took to jolt my exposed heart, and soul, and body while writing that out, it also takes the same amount of time– to suddenly feel a uncomfortable reaction of a ‘quick growing dull ache’ in my stomach, right above my pussy somewhere, when cold reality of his love refusal sinks in.
I will never let a lowlife touch me ever again after knowing a lover like C.J.
So, perhaps I’m just crazy, but at least it has risen the bar for future me.
I caught feelings for him before I ever knew of his massive cock… there’s no way ‘all we are meant for’ is sex… it’s not just his dick that soothes my everything. I try to tell myself this, but I have too much respect for this man to push myself on him anymore. All writings will eventually be about something new, when God knows I’m ready.
Even so…It’s like I’m holding a slow-low pulsing invisible vibrator wand on my clit when I recall the sound of his voice while dominating me… I get next level wet reflecting on our past arousal(s).
In opposition, I can go weeks in between orgasms sometimes, because I now resent that I can psychologically induce my body into such intense intoxicating pleasure, yet such intense pain immediately thereafter, given CJ’s periodic absence in my life at this point.
^I cry instead of masturbate 4 times out of 5, after I feel such a contrast of quick winded physical sensations whenever I daydream, because it scares me how my body continues to respond like this even after begging the universe for amnesia, vs continuing to self-sacrifice my sex drive most days...
Waiting for someone to realize they can’t live without you is delusional, because that’s not how realizations work. It’s been selfish and narcissistic of myself to actually hang on to this “toxic love story” too long. He’s made it clear I’m only good for occasional, rough, sloppy, oral action.
There’s no more communication between us besides a seasonal ‘gag-fetish request’ every handful of months. It’s all about him.
I have to let go emotionally, but my heart doesn’t know how.
You can’t force reality to favor your lust. I know this.
I have surrendered to the transformation of my mind, regardless of how powerful any of this writing may feel.
It was my destiny to survive this pain, and C.J is merely proof of God’s favor. As warped as it may sound, there’s a “divine feminine and masculine theory” that supports evidence this was all to develop my character.
C.J, I want to think, is my ‘forever twin flame.‘ Our ‘soulmate’ parallels of personality, matching scars, and favorite sleep position alike proves to me he’s “the one”… yet I understand maybe there must be greater than him waiting for me> once I truly fulfill my calling from a higher power(?)
The quick moments we are in union, God is asking for me to ‘level up.’ Secure my calling. Somehow, it’s all anointed. I know I sound mad.
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Twin Flames are a rare experience, but blessed beyond belief -no matter how painful the separation is. It’s a curse to cry at sunrise, or before sleep on such a regular basis, but the tears are antiaging…
Dusk to dawn I worry, I’ll always scream to the universe for someone new to be not true at all. I do secretly wish C.J will return to me in divine timing. Afterall: “You break it- you buy it.” However, he deserves to be happy. I must swallow my pride and end my suffering.
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Nothing prepared me for what the privilege beyond Pennsylvania cock reward would do </3
As the reader to all this smut going forward- know it’s only with a grateful bleeding heart that I continue to write explicit, in tribute to what I’ve experienced. With Loving Memory.
If God truly designed someone else to be “his” at the end of the day, then I guess I haven’t met my “new” match yet.
I’m not actually crazy, this isn’t “Erotomania”.
I’m aware this whole disclaimer page may present evidence as a “primary mental disorder, or as a symptom of another psychiatric illness.” I promise it’s not. I’ve sought therapy, and I can understand all perspective.
No lobotomy, or medication necessary.
Your honor, blame the music for any delusion(s). Please.
‘Miles‘, by Christina Perri… ‘Always Remember Us This Way,’ by Lady Gaga… My whole heart and soul aches with every lyric.
Despite the emotions destroying me, I will stay mindful and graceful.
I am healing every day, and praying for serenity.
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(Read, cry, and/or masturbate responsibly.)
-Mae Kelly
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